17th
This particular soul-search is excruciatingly painful compared to the ones I’ve journeyed before. How did I let things get this bad? How did I miss things as though I’m blind … how did I not see this coming from miles out? I should have seen it coming! Oh well – I suppose it’s useless to wonder about such questions as I’m here and I should try to find a way out of here to get back on track rather than trying to find the answers to all my how’s and why’s.
God, I’ve heard it said before that You know me far better than I’ll ever know about myself and that You know the deepest of my desires that I yearn for. I also heard that You know what’s ultimately good and right for me and that You have my best interests in mind as You guide me through this life till I find my way home. I believe that these are all true, but may I be honest with You for a moment, please? A part of me – my heart in particular – thinks that You may have overlooked something when creating me:
Did You intend on giving me the heart of a hopeless romantic that I cannot get rid of? Did You mean to give me these deeper-than-all-the-oceans-combined and passionate desires … longings … yearnings I have for wanting a family of my own? Why did You make me to be a romantic when You’ve been showing me the life I want so much isn’t for me? Why did You place within me such thoughts of wanting to be the best-ever father and husband ever?
I’ve come to understand that You have a reason for everything regardless of us finding them out or not so I dare not question Your perfection. I just want to … I just need to know what You want me to do with these desires I have that’s been getting stronger and growing bigger since childhood. How do I redirect such passions to bring glory to You and Your name? How do I make myself small again and make You big so it’s all about You as it should be?
Lord, it feels like I’m nearing my breaking point where at the first crack I may cry a waterfall because I’m at a complete loss. Loosening my grip of the desires I have for this world, I approach You with a broken and humbled heart yet again to ask if You’d lead me again and show me the path. I swear You’re the only reason I keep breathing. I swear You keep on giving me the reason to keep believing. I’ll give You all of me … I’ll give you the best of me, so won’t you show and teach me how to make You all that I’ll ever need once more?
