20th
A Plea From Amongst The Deepest Of Yearnings
Truth be told, I’ve been feeling an aching emptiness for quite some time. Attempting to describe it leaves nothing better than a mere “it’s almost like an empty void deep within the depths of my heart and soul’s caverns.” I know, and I agree that the description is quite a pitiful illustration from someone that claims to enjoy painting with words, but this one’s quite a toughie for me.
The previous times when I’ve felt this way was when the God-shaped hole that He alone can fill seemed barren and void somehow where the solution was as simple as reprioritizing and drawing closer to God, but it feels a little different this time somehow, someway. The worst part is I’m not able to put a figure on what the cause quite is after all the contemplating I’ve been doing.
Most people seem to say it’s because I’m single. As much as I want to deny it, the hopeless romantic inside me (that I haven’t been able to get rid of after all these years) wants me to agree. In a way, it makes sense, doesn’t it? I mean … no significant other == no feeling complete. But then I consider the possibility about whether it’s God’s will for me to stay faithful, focused, and true to Him for all the days of my life. What then?
Honestly, at this point in my life, I don’t care about getting what I want. If I were to have had things go the way I wanted it to, I’d have been married for ten years by now and going strong with at least two kids (the oldest being a boy to help protect and take care of his youngster sister), and my marriage would be an illustration of how Christ Jesus loves His bride, the Church. But now, all I really want is to be who God wants me to be, and to do and say what He asks of me and gives me the words to. If there’s just one remaining desire I have pertaining to myself that I really want to come true, it’s to remain within the graces of the One that died for me so I may live, and to be a vessel overflowing with His compassion, kindness, love, and mercy. In a phrase, I want to be the dude version of Mother Teresa.
I think this will fill up the void that I haven’t been able to quench and satisfy. I think it’s a life of servanthood of service to others that my heart and soul are desperate for while I’m on this side of eternity.
Dear God, won’t you grant me this desire that all of my existence is asking for in harmonious unison? I’ll do whatever You ask, go wherever You lead, and say whatever You want me to, so won’t You grant me this, please?
