Hae-factor

So long, ultimate font; I will miss you most definitely.

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The unfolding of today has resulted in a rather sad day. Of all the things there are to smile about, like it being a gorgeous day, the one thing that’s making me somewhat depressed is casting shadows in my world. I realize this post may sound silly on the surface, and it’s supposed to - so if you get a decent chuckle, good! - but, if you know me and how “passionate” I am regarding the subject matter, you may be able to share in this ache I’m feeling.
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It started a few years ago when I started noticing the font people used in their email messages at work. I was using ‘Arial’ at size 8 at the time (I saw a friend using this and thought it looked good). That particular font and font size lasted a good while, but its usage was interrupted when I received a note saying that the size was too small, etc. The note was pretty funny actually, but it got the point across so I started looking for a new font to use (I think “Arial” at any other size like 10, like for this text, was pretty ugly, which I still do as a matter of fact). Shortly afterward, I noticed two people using a variation of the “Courier” font. I’ll admit that at first, the font is not very appealing, but if you give it a chance, it grows on you. Anyway, it may have been “Courier New” as the new version looks much better than the original. Since then, I’ve been using it where I can such as in email messages and IMs. Coming across the font in tech books also helped me fall for the font even more over the years.
I want to think it may have been for about five years that”Courier New” font has been my favorite. I love how it keeps everything aligned from top to bottom. Unfortunately, the font’s met some opposition since I’ve moved down to Georgia to work for the position that I’m currently in. My immediate coworkers think it’s pretty ugly like I do about Arial 10. Anyway, I’ve been a-okay for the most part about the restrictions about not using it as I’ve been able to use it in IMs, most email messages, etc. (I don’t think the font can be that ugly though since I believe Courier New’s grown on a few people here as two immediate coworker uses it in either their email messages or IM, and I’ve noticed a person at another location use it in their email messages too.)

Unfortunately, and apparently, the saying that “all good things must come to an end” can apply to fonts as well. After five years of being a fan boy of Courier New, I met “Arial Unicode MS”. Unlike the original Arial, Arial Unicode MS at size 10 looks quite pleasant. It’s almost like a breath of fresh air in the morning before things get busy and loud. Despite its inability to keep things aligned the way that Courier New can, it’s grown on me pretty quickly. The sad part about all this is that this five-year-or-so ordeal with Courier New’s come to an unexpected end. We’ll remain the best of friends when I type certain texts and I’ll think of it in the highest of regards in terms of typefaces, but I fear it won’t be the default font in programs like Microsoft Outlook and Word.

*Sigh*
Courier New, the typeface I’d dare to dub as the “ultimate font”, I will miss you dearly when sending emails and IMs. I will do my best to keep in touch with you to include you as often as I can when the situation and time is right. So long, best-font (get it? it’s like ‘best friend’, but a font can’t be a friend!). I’ll miss you dearly, ultimate font!

*Tear*
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I hope you enjoyed the read, and that you either got a little chuckle or giggle out of it. Better yet, if you choked up a little and shed a tear, that’d be even more awesome. =)

You Are ... - Mother's Day 2009

To us, you are …
You are the one person we’ve known all our lives, even before we were born - 
it’s the sound of your voice that we woke up and fell asleep to when we were still in your womb.
You are the one person that held us in your arms since we first arrived - 
it’s your arms we felt peaceful and safe in.
You are the one person that we know we can always come back running to - 
your arms are wide open waiting to embrace us when we’re apart for any amount of time.
You are the one person that we know we can talk to when we need someone, anytime - day or night - 
we smile when we hear your voice jumps up in excitement when you answer the phone, even when we wake you up.
You are the one person that’s always been there when our world came crumbling down - 
you always made time for us when we were short on smiles until we felt better.
You are the one person that always made time to lend your ears even when we had nothing to say - 
we always knew the tears would eventually stop as long as you were there to hold us as you listened to us cry.
You are the one person that always helped brighten up our skies when they were dark - 
you help turn the dark and rainy skies turn blue to let the sun shine through.  

To us, you are … 
To us, you are … 
You are more than what words can describe, what any picture can show.
You are more than everything to us.

Have a blessed and happy Mother’s Day!!!

My place in the world

Far and between have I had a positive self-image about myself, so it’s quite rare that I thought of myself as the “bomb” in anything. As much as I enjoy compliments, I never was good at accepting them at face-value because of the lingering inner-voice whispering things along the lines of “If they only knew all your short-comings, they wouldn’t be complimenting.” Being the center of attention on days like my birthday makes me want to crawl into an invisible cave and not come out till someone more deserving of accolades helps people forget about me. It really, truly is a mystery that, despite this habitual tendency to downplay myself and try to avoid the spotlight the best I can (although I think I’m curious what it’s like), I strive for perfectionism as an imperfect being. I hope I don’t have to think about how this is possible because I think it’s a rare subject matter that’d make my head explode. But I digress.

Although it can seem like a recent incident has caused me trip over into this downward spiral that I can’t help but continue to fall even deeper into, I believe it’s the culmination of happenings in recent years that has led me to the point where I am at in life right now, and the recent incident only acted as a trigger to get my attention finally and cause me to stop and think about things seriously. The best way that I can think of to describe what I may be going through might be dubbed as either an identity crisis or a mid-life crisis (subjectivity reigns here, so the reader may have a different term for what I am attempting to describe).

What would you do if it turns out that you really don’t know anything about the things you thought you had some clue about? What would happen if the goals you were striving to achieve through the years become evident that they’re pipedreams because you never had what it would take to crystallize your dreams into reality? What would happen if you were violently awaken to the fact that the future you wanted never hadn’t even thought of considering becoming yours? What would happen? What would you do?

Despair has been my place of solitude for the last few days, and, despite being a pessimistic introvert, it’s been extremely cold and lonely even for my taste. A bulk of the dreams and goals, a majority of fantasies and hopes, a myriad longings and wishes I’ve kept close to my heart disappeared within moments and this side of eternity’s become a chore to persevere through. The things I thought I was decently okay at have become obvious to me that it’s a mystery that I even comprehend the topic at all, and it’s been revealed that it’s by a stroke of luck that I know the things I thought I knew. Out of everything that I thought I could claim as my own – as a part of me, none of them are mine. It feels like whatever little worth I ever had is gone, and I don’t matter anymore because I don’t have anything else to offer. The professional I saw myself being years down the road has become a stranger that would trigger a reaction that’d make me think, “Who in the world is that? Do I know him? If I’m supposed to, I don’t remember even meeting the person.”

All I ever wanted to be, and still yearn to be, is a blessing and light to others. I despise being an annoying nuisance to those that I am around, and I hate not having anything to give to enrich others and give them a reason to smile. Ever since I’ve lost my sense of being and belonging, my insides have been aching from not being able to be what I desire to be to others and their lives. It hurts so much that my eyes are about to give way the tears that are streaming from my heart and soul.
I don’t want to be without meaning, and I really don’t want to be worthless to others. If I can’t be a ray of the sun that pokes through the dark and rainy sky for people, at least let me be a breeze that’s part of the wind that parts the dark clouds to let the sun shine through. I want to belong to a group of people that I mesh well with, a place to belong where I have a seat. I yearn for a purpose that’s for me to fulfill which will keep me more than content, more than full, more than satisfied with life on this side of forever.
I want to be a blessing, a joy to others. I want to be, … I want to be …

I want to be. I want to belong. I want to be a blessing.